Thursday, July 26, 2012

But, whatever.

I do not know the difference between hiking and just plain walking in nature.
When I was younger I thought that hiking meant walking up a mountain at a 90-degree angle with a backpack and a walking stick.

But then, when I was 16, my grandma visited us.
She made us go for a “hike”.
But our “hike” was just a walk through woods in the lower coastal flat plains of Southeast Georgia.
So, I’m still confused.

But, it’s too hot to jog outside.
The weather is 100% comparable to Southeast Georgia.
Humidity and all.
I went for a jog the other day and could only jog for about 7 minutes before I had to stop and walk.
It was miserable and embarrassing.
But apparently, I can stand to go for 50 minutes walks along the same trails.
Excuse me, a hike…
I try to make sure my pace is faster than a leisurely walk.
Yeah, I have no desire to go into any more detail about the jog.
But, whatever.

I’ve lost another 2 pounds.
17 pounds in total.
So, that’s exciting.
I am surprised, though, that I’m still a size 16.
I must’ve had more fat packed in my body than I originally thought.
When I was 200 pounds I thought for sure I’d look a lot different at 17 pounds lighter.
The most significant changes in my body are that I have rock hard calves and shins.
Which is weird, cuz the attached thighs are blobs of fat.
But, whatever.

Immediate goal: lose 3 pounds by the time I move to Philly.
That’s five weeks.
And will be 20 pounds lost.

But, whatever.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Shorts and Instagram

Summer 2012 is monumental for me.
It’s the first summer that I’ve ever worn shorts publicly…since I was 12.
Well, non-bermuda-type shorts.
Going anywhere in the summer, people would be like, “Why are you wearing pants?”
Which is sort of a silly question.
And I think it’s weird to be like, “Oh, I’m plus size,” because obviously they can see that.
So, as I stand there with the sweat dripping down my brow and back, I usually just shrug my shoulders and change the subject.
Super awkward.
Now, I wear shorts in public.
People get to see how pasty I really am.
I used to think that I would wear shorts when the cellulite disappeared.
But, I’m pretty sure cellulite is on every female who is not a celebrity, or who is rich enough to nuke that crap with millions of dollars.
So, yeah. I’m wearing shorts.
I wanted to post a super cool picture of myself in shorts, but I thought it would be weird to ask the Jeskes to take a picture of me.
So, then I was like, I’ll take a “super cool” artsy instagrammed picture of myself.
But all the shots were super awkward.

Then I decided to do a mirror pic. All the kids are doing it these days. Pretend like I don't have a weird light thing coming out of my hand. Also, pretend that I don't have a messy room.

The other day, I decided to do something uncharacteristic of myself.
I went for an hour long walk by the lake.
It was nice.
I don’t usually enjoy nature by myself.
Or being by myself for long periods of time.
But I was able to do some praying.
And work up a sweat at the same time.
It felt good.
Spiritually and Physically.
Two birds. One stone.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Girl, I'm big boned.

Dear Readers, 
I asked Jennifer to guest blog for me because she's been a loyal follower of my blog since the beginning. And she's on her own lifestyle changing Adventure. 
Show her some Love!

On Halloween 2011, I started my journey to a healthier lifestyle. 
Spooky, I know & oh so tempting with all those Tootsie Rolls.

There is a chair under me. Sadly I cannot float. 

I decided to start losing weight & making healthier lifestyle choices.

I learned the SECRET to weightloss! Eat less than you burn! What? Yes, that simple. Find something that drives your motivation, blogs, vacations, pinterest, fashion, children, etc. My motivation in October because of a family trip in January to Disney. I was petrified of having to use the dreaded extendable seat belt for rides or worse have to wait for everyone because I wouldn't fit in the ride. Fear motivated me. After the trip, I was motivated by adding my own progress pics like the ones I see on Reddit to be able to motivate other people. 

As you might be able to see below, I lost some weight. I lost about 30lbs at this point. I was wearing a shirt that I was wearing before I lost weight though so the photo doesn't show well how much I lost. 

I was cutting my portions to the actual portion on the side of the container & started counting calories. (Little did I know I was eating more than one serving of just about everything I was eating.) In May, I started eating organic since the number of chemicals on my veggies was alarming and the amount of antibiotics that are used in poultry when the animals aren't even sick was disturbing. This also helped me because eating out was no longer and option and neither was soda. It put me in a mindset that fast food grossed me out vs it wasn't good for my body. I'm not saying that someone can't lose weight while eating out, but I find it more satisfying to eat at home. 

I started counting my steps and would go for a walk if I didn't meet 10,000 steps. Later on, I started doing Couch to 5k.

Tracking where I was before I started making changes was a big eye opener to see how sedentary my life was and how many calories I was burning vs consuming. Simple math. It's no wonder I was gaining weight.

I took these steps to a healthier me, but not because I didn't think I was pretty. I was actually happy with who I was and what my body looked like, but not with how I was treating my body.

I saw myself as a beautiful person, inside and out, but I felt unHEALTHY. Not unpretty. 

I saw images that made me think being unhealthy was ok and was who I was. 

NEWFLASH: No one that's 5'6" is suppose to be bordering 300lbs. Being out of breath from walking into work from the parking lot is NOT ok. 

Now that I have lost 45lbs, I see these images and they annoy me.

The Work bathroom is one of my favorite places to take progress pics. 
Mainly because of the full length mirror. 

I feel like I was making excuses and images like this fed into my poor habits.

What images or thoughts feed/fed your bad habits? 

BIO: Jennifer likes long talks with old friends, long walks on the beach, long sleeve t-shirts, and long 80s songs. She is on a journey to making healthier choices despite her sedentary job and love for ice cream. She also dreams of one day being as clever and funny as Becky. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Part 4 of 4.

Part 4: On Faith

You’re going to have an identity crises your whole life because you’re kinda Jewish, but kinda not, and you like Jesus.
This still confuses me and most everyone else too.

If I could sum up my journey of faith into a sentence that you’d totally relate with, I’d say, “God is bigger than the boogey man.” But really.
You’re going to have all these ideas and plans on how you think your life will work, but God has a cooler, bigger plan that’ll blow your mind.
Don’t stick God in a box.
He’s bigger than what Republicans think of Him.
He’s bigger than what your conservative evangelical upbringing told you about Him.
And His grace is sufficient for you.

You’re going to think that God has forgotten about you.
You may even get mad at Him a lot.
But He’s still loving you.
And sending the Holy Spirit to guide you.
You just have to listen.

Finally, know why you believe what you believe.
Don’t take anybody else’s word for it.
Question Tradition.
But most of all, Love people.
Love people like Jesus loves people.

Little Becky,
You’re probably left feeling more confused than ever. I mean you are only six. But I like to think that in a world where I can write you a letter and you can read it, that you’d understand everything perfectly.
So remember,
Everything will be just fine.


Part 3 of 4.

Part 3: On boys

You’ll never learn how to read boys.
I’m really sorry.
But, the Friendzone and you will become best friends.
The friendzone is a magical place that all the cute guys you like put you in.
They want you around cuz you generally make them laugh, but that’s all they want from you.
You’ll become a better, funnier person because of this.

Part 2 of 4 (letter to little Becky)

Part Two: On growing up

Unfortunately, being the oldest you’ll always be a guinea pig. The parents will try out a new rule or new parental teaching tactic on you to figure out if it “works”. If it doesn’t “work”, they’ll shrug their shoulders and make necessary adjustments for the next kid.  Your parents are going to be really, really annoyingly protective and conservative.
You’ll resent them.
This is normal. Most teenagers resent their parents at some point.
Your parents have really great intentions, though.
You’ll laugh about it one day.
Your three younger siblings are going to have different parents than you did. You’re going to be mad about it.  But then you’ll realize you can use your influence as an adult to make sure your siblings don’t have annoying parents.
Your siblings will never thank for being the oldest or for looking out for them.

You’re going to start making movies when you’re eight.
I think the first one is an exercise video.
(You should take your own advice that you’re giving in that video. Just saying.)
You’re going to love making movies.
You’ll be doing that forever.

Now here’s something I want to really prepare you for: Middle School.
Middle School is stupid.
Everybody has these really crazy, weird changes to their bodies.
Everybody looks stupid and awkward, but everybody is too busy thinking about how stupid and awkward their own bodies are to realize how stupid and awkward your body is.
Regardless, you’re going to be the first one out of all your friends to go through puberty. But you’re going to think that your new boobs, size 6 adult hips, and inability to shop in the children’s section means you’re fat and overweight.
This is not true, Becky. 
Like really, take my word for it.
You’re going to think that all the cheerleaders are pretty and popular.
It’s true, but you’re going to try out for cheerleading not once, but twice.
And, I’m sorry to say you won’t make it both times.
But you do look good in those Soffe shorts.
You’re going to get bullied by this girl.
She makes fun of you because your mom buys your clothes at Wal-Mart.
She’s just a bitch and will drop out of high school in 9th grade.
It’s going to feel like a big deal, and you’re going to cry.
It’s okay.
You’ll have your own money one day, and you can shop wherever the hell you want.
(Also, when you’re an adult you’ll say things like “Bitch” and “Hell” when appropriate.)
You’re going to start taking private voice lessons in Middle School.
This changes your life, because you love showtunes now.

Unfortunately, you won’t be pretty until you’re 17. Even then, you’re just better looking then you were in Middle School. But, you’ll be funny.  And people will like you.
You’re going to get picked last in gym class every time, don’t worry about it. They can’t help it. The order goes cool athletic black guys, athletic white guys, pretty girls, and then you. But it’s okay.
Seriously, it’s not a big deal.
You’re going to want to eat carbohydrates all day long.
I may be able to save you about 20 pounds of weight gain in high school if you remember to stop eating all the carbs.
And go running.
You kinda enjoy it when you’re my age.
Please, start running in high school.

You’re going to be the coolest when you’re a senior in high school.
You’ll be on student council, you’re going to escort cute buys at the Hot and Spicy Pageant, you’ll be in Beta Club, Spanish Club, Chorus, Chorus President, you’ll have a lead in Footloose, you’ll be in the elite singing ensemble Volume One, and you’ll be voted Most Original by your class. 
You’re going to make a ton of movies for your classes that are “super awesome” and funny.
And you’re going to graduate from high school.
This is going to feel like the biggest thing that has ever happened to you.
But, your life isn’t a Glee episode.
Your life will change very much after high school.
So, don’t live in the past.
Make new friends.
Enjoy college, like a boss.
Learn to study well.

You’ll do a lot of growing up in college. But this letter is just to get you through the tough years, when you’re super insecure and pretending not to be. 

This is what I think about at work when the air conditioner is broken

I’m always a bit surprised when people bring small children to coffee shops. Not that it’s wrong or immoral, but I’ve been working at a coffee shop for five months and it’s just rare to see children.
I think it has something to do with caffeine or something…
A small child stood out to me today, and not because she was a child.
She was probably 5 or 6 years old.
She wore a dress with a crazy cute pattern on it.
Underneath her dress was a skirt that looked like it was once a disco ball.
On her feet were light up shoes.
And her blonde hair was a ridiculous mess.
Yes, this little girl looked like me 18 years ago.
And then I started thinking about that little girl and little Becky—the two had already become one person in my mind.
And I wanted to give her advice about her future.
All night I thought about what I should tell her.
So, I decided to just do it on my blog.
It’s kind only slightly related to what the rest of this blog is about.
But whatever.

Dear Becky,
Don’t let anybody tell you you’re not stylish. You’ll be dressing yourself for at least the next 18 years. It may not be a conventional style
I think you have two other siblings right now. Sorry, I’ve never been good at math. Actually, you’ll never be good at math. In fact, when mom puts you in to real school when you’re ten, you’ll be put into remedial math. But don’t worry about it.
I’ve learned a bit about life these past 24 years.
The first and most important thing I want to tell you is DON’T FREAK OUT!
I’m now going to impart to you “wisdom” in four parts.

Part 1: On Family

You’re going to have a lot more siblings. And I mean a LOT. You’re going to think you hate it.  You’ll passive aggressively write fiction with young heroines who are only children.
It’s therapeutic.
But you’ll one day realize that you wouldn’t want to have it any other way.  Because of this crazy people-filled upbringing you’ll only want to study or read when there’s lots of noise and people around you. Adversely, silence and being alone will make you uncomfortable.
We’re still trying to work through that.
Be nice to your younger siblings.
But not too nice. After all you, there is a certain amount of big sibling-little sibling bullying that needs to go on in order for the world to continue existing. 

Monday, July 2, 2012


One of my favorite parts of working at Caribou is our daily trivia question.
If a customer correctly guesses, then they save a bunch of money on their car insurance AND save ten cents on their beverage.
I lied about the first part.
Anyways, tonight’s question was a pop culture question.

“Fill in the lyric for Alicia Key’s song ‘Falin’:
Sometimes I feel good,
At times I feel ______. “

The answer is “used”.
I got to thinking about this song. It’s obviously about a relationship with a man.
But on second thought, it perfectly describes the relationship I have with my body.
Yes, this is a body image post.

I wrote a post a couple days ago about how good I was feeling about life and about myself.
Today, I felt the opposite.
I worked out at the gym.
I felt mediocre afterwards.
I looked in the mirror and saw my sunburnt face.
I felt unattractive.
I listened to one of my favorite show tunes songs and felt weepy after hearing the key change.
And then I got mad at my parasympathetic nervous system for almost crying.
So, in not so many words, today I strongly disliked myself.

I keep on falling in and out of love with my body.

I’m not posting this to receive validation for anyone who possibly reads this blogs. I’m posting it because I think that people, females especially, can probably relate to my sentiments and feelings about my body.

I’m certain that in a few days I’ll feel the opposite of how I felt today.
I’m still not entirely sure how to conquer this love-hate relationship I have with my body.
Maybe I should stop watching movies, television, reading magazines, having skinny friends, or being around children who ask me if I want to be skinny.
That last one really happened.

Do you have a love-hate relationship with your body?
What do you do when you’re leaning towards hate on a particular day?