Friday, July 29, 2011

I am not dead.

I am not dead. I have had four people remind me that I have not written recently. Thanks for looking at for me guys. Since people are reading this I know I have to do this!
Wow, I have not exercised in about a week. But I can honestly say it has not been because I didn’t feel like it. It’s been a pretty busy week. My cousin gave birth to her son, Boston James Clark. He’s so stinking cute and has a head full of black hair. My brothers were here over the weekend and I visited them and my grandmother in Nevada. I’m house/pet sitting my Aunt and Uncle’s house. 
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I do that from time to time. And I’ve discovered a flaw in my logic. I seem to be subconsciously  telling myself that when I lose X amount of weight THEN I’ll be attractive and I’ll love myself better. Loving myself seems to have conditions. But, what I need to do is love myself unconditionally now. The way I am today. I need to love myself with the cellulite. I need to love myself even if my skin is pasty white. I need to love myself even though my thighs touch, even though my hair is  curly. 
I’m not entirely sure how to do that. I’ve been told and I read somewhere that one ought to give themselves true compliments. I need to thank my body for taking me this far. I need to thank my legs for allowing me to walk. I need to thank my skin for not giving me skin cancer. I need to thank my hair for not receding yet. haha. 
How do you love yourself? 


  1. If my family and friends can love me with my flaws, why can't I? I still have times where I feel like "whoa, Jen, suck in that gut. You look 8 months pregnant!" but majority of the time I'm pretty happy with me.

  2. Good point. I always forget that I'm my own worst critic. I don't think people notice the stuff that we notice...or even care about the stuff we notice on our bodies.

  3. i've gone back through and updated myself on your blog:) with orientation i just got so crampacked BUSY and i stopped taking the time to get to read this, but i'm back. i'm so proud of you babygirl, and i can't believe you are jogging over 2 miles now at all times!!!! gosh, i'm so happy for you, and a little jealous.:) i've kept up with the vegetarian thing for the past 6 weeks or so, and it's been great, and the work out thing has sorta fallen to the wayside, but i'm okay with that. when i move into the apartment and stuff i'll be more inclined to begin the new regime.:) SO EXCITED. i'm going to buy some vibram 5-finger running shoes too. yesss. :)

    so, a note on loving yourself.... we should phone chat or skype about this sometime, but i want to share with you something that's been monumental in my fight for loving myself. (god, i sound like such a CHICK writing that... it just seems like men don't struggle with self confidence like we do.:/) i read somewhere that this woman kept telling herself she'd love herself when she lost weight, and when she lost the weight, well, she was wrong. nothing felt different. like when you say, "i'll feel more awake if i snooze 10 more minutes" in the morning, and then you're just as sleepy and bitter about facing the world as you were when your alarm officially went off--only now, you have less time to shower and eat breakfast. so i decided i would love myself before i lost the weight i carry with me. you know what i STILL can't believe i did? i. wore. a. bikini. i didn't plan on doing it, i'd just bought a tube top thingy and a regular pair of bikini bottoms (rather than the typical dress-onesie i usually sport, or a tankini with a skirt thingy). and over that i planned to wear a tube top that was loose fitting around my belly. but then when i got to the beach, i saw that beautiful ocean, and i remembered the beauty of nature, and of people, of humans, of existence, and i was so overwhelmed with love for nature and the way things ARE (not how we create them to be) that i felt it would be wrong to hide my natural body from the ocean, from myself. so i stripped down, and not for a moment did i feel like a beached whale, or like i was offending the people around me... i've found that people are only offended by the fat people who you can tell are self conscious. when an overweight person is loving, carefree, full of laughter (genuine, not poking fun at themselves) there's a light that emits from their eyes that distracts from the cellulite and stretchmarks.

    so that's my story. :) love you honey, KEEP WRITING, KEEP JOGGING, KEEP. GOING. <3

  4. Oh my goodness, I'm a long ways away from owning a bikini. Good for you! Confidence is supuh sexy!
    I'll be in athens for a couple days in August. If you're available we can do coffee or something.